My friend Casey once bought me some Gingko pills for one of my birthdays...a joke to remind me that I was getting older. But those are really something that I should take every day. My memory is horrible! I can have a conversation with Sarah and a day later never recall that it even took place. It's become a joke around our house, but it can also be quite frustrating.
Since I can barely remember yesterday, remembering deep into my past is not something that comes easily to me. I've told myself my whole life that I chose to block my childhood out...which may very well be the case. But you would think that if I was going to block anything out, it would be the bad stuff. And ironically, that's the only stuff I seem to remember. I don't remember camping trips that we used to take when my mom and dad were still married. I see pictures that prove they actually took place, but it's as if I was never actually there because I don't remember one single moment of them. I don't remember family get togethers such as Thanksgiving or Christmas. My mom just told me a few months ago that we used to travel to Jonesboro almost every year when I was young to have Thanksgiving with her crazy side of the family. I remember the crazy people, but I couldn't tell you one single thing that happened at those get togethers.
I remember the layout of almost every single house we ever lived in when I was growing up...which was a lot because we were constantly moving from one house to the other. But I don't ever remember being tucked into bed at night. I don't remember watching tv with my parents, or eating dinner with them or playing outside. I don't remember any of that. I remember things like standing on the front porch of our house on South German Lane...which is now ironically where the new Faulkner County Jail is...and screaming for someone to call the cops because my dad was once again beating my mom bloody. I remember seeing my dad kick my mom in the face with a pointy cowboy boot and ripping half of her face off and then having to watch her drive herself to the hospital because I was only in the 5th grade and not old enough to do anything to help her.
So when I hear stories like Pastor Rick told in church today about a father coming down to an alter call with his 2 daughters and saying that his daughters had been praying for him, tears immediately start flowing down my face. Because I begin to feel cheated. Cheated out of a relationship with a father I never really knew because he never gave me the chance. Cheated out of memories of a happy childhood because for whatever reason I can't remember anything good. I'm not angry about it, just very saddened by it. I'm sad that no matter how much I prayed for my dad to love and forgive himself, he just couldn't find it in his heart to do that. I'm sad that my memory is so bad that I can't remember good things about my dad...only that he was a crazy alcoholic that physically abused my mom. I'm sad that I missed so much of his life and he missed so much of mine and now nothing can ever be done about it.
In the midst of feeling sadness, I'm trying to look to the beautiful future that is ahead of me. Three years ago I was given the wonderful blessing of helping Sarah parent Jaylee who is now 9 years old. That is one of the greatest blessings God could have ever given me. As I tucked Jaylee into bed tonight, I thought "these are the moments I want her to remember". I want her to look back when she's 35 and have nothing but good memories. I want her to grow up knowing how much her parents love her. I want her to love this baby growing inside of me as much as me and Sarah love him...or her. And I don't ever want either of them to feel like the bad overshadows the good. I look up to my mom because she raised me and my sister the best way she knew how...a single mother for most of our lives working as much as she possibly could to keep food on the table and a roof over our head. We never had the coolest clothes...as you can see in many of my old pictures or the best games or toys, but we were loved by her and that is something I will always remember. And that is something I want my kids to never forget...I love them more than anything in this world.
We have another doctor's appointment in just a few weeks and we will hopefully find out if we will be welcoming a boy or girl to our family. The anticipation is about to kill both Sarah and Jaylee. I want to know, but I'm kind of just taking it all in right now. Just knowing there is a life growing inside of me is enough to make me smile. We visited a friend today who just had her beautiful baby girl on Friday. And holding little Evan was enough to make me cry. I held it back because I didn't want Mandy to think I was crazy. But just knowing that in a few short months, I will be holding my own beautiful child is such a blessing to me. I wish that I could remember more good things from my past, but I guess it's time to stop wishing for something that I can't control and start making the best memories I can so that Jaylee and Jaydon or Julian will always have something good to look back on.
Christy
