My friend Casey once bought me some Gingko pills for one of my birthdays...a joke to remind me that I was getting older. But those are really something that I should take every day. My memory is horrible! I can have a conversation with Sarah and a day later never recall that it even took place. It's become a joke around our house, but it can also be quite frustrating.
Since I can barely remember yesterday, remembering deep into my past is not something that comes easily to me. I've told myself my whole life that I chose to block my childhood out...which may very well be the case. But you would think that if I was going to block anything out, it would be the bad stuff. And ironically, that's the only stuff I seem to remember. I don't remember camping trips that we used to take when my mom and dad were still married. I see pictures that prove they actually took place, but it's as if I was never actually there because I don't remember one single moment of them. I don't remember family get togethers such as Thanksgiving or Christmas. My mom just told me a few months ago that we used to travel to Jonesboro almost every year when I was young to have Thanksgiving with her crazy side of the family. I remember the crazy people, but I couldn't tell you one single thing that happened at those get togethers.
I remember the layout of almost every single house we ever lived in when I was growing up...which was a lot because we were constantly moving from one house to the other. But I don't ever remember being tucked into bed at night. I don't remember watching tv with my parents, or eating dinner with them or playing outside. I don't remember any of that. I remember things like standing on the front porch of our house on South German Lane...which is now ironically where the new Faulkner County Jail is...and screaming for someone to call the cops because my dad was once again beating my mom bloody. I remember seeing my dad kick my mom in the face with a pointy cowboy boot and ripping half of her face off and then having to watch her drive herself to the hospital because I was only in the 5th grade and not old enough to do anything to help her.
So when I hear stories like Pastor Rick told in church today about a father coming down to an alter call with his 2 daughters and saying that his daughters had been praying for him, tears immediately start flowing down my face. Because I begin to feel cheated. Cheated out of a relationship with a father I never really knew because he never gave me the chance. Cheated out of memories of a happy childhood because for whatever reason I can't remember anything good. I'm not angry about it, just very saddened by it. I'm sad that no matter how much I prayed for my dad to love and forgive himself, he just couldn't find it in his heart to do that. I'm sad that my memory is so bad that I can't remember good things about my dad...only that he was a crazy alcoholic that physically abused my mom. I'm sad that I missed so much of his life and he missed so much of mine and now nothing can ever be done about it.
In the midst of feeling sadness, I'm trying to look to the beautiful future that is ahead of me. Three years ago I was given the wonderful blessing of helping Sarah parent Jaylee who is now 9 years old. That is one of the greatest blessings God could have ever given me. As I tucked Jaylee into bed tonight, I thought "these are the moments I want her to remember". I want her to look back when she's 35 and have nothing but good memories. I want her to grow up knowing how much her parents love her. I want her to love this baby growing inside of me as much as me and Sarah love him...or her. And I don't ever want either of them to feel like the bad overshadows the good. I look up to my mom because she raised me and my sister the best way she knew how...a single mother for most of our lives working as much as she possibly could to keep food on the table and a roof over our head. We never had the coolest clothes...as you can see in many of my old pictures or the best games or toys, but we were loved by her and that is something I will always remember. And that is something I want my kids to never forget...I love them more than anything in this world.
We have another doctor's appointment in just a few weeks and we will hopefully find out if we will be welcoming a boy or girl to our family. The anticipation is about to kill both Sarah and Jaylee. I want to know, but I'm kind of just taking it all in right now. Just knowing there is a life growing inside of me is enough to make me smile. We visited a friend today who just had her beautiful baby girl on Friday. And holding little Evan was enough to make me cry. I held it back because I didn't want Mandy to think I was crazy. But just knowing that in a few short months, I will be holding my own beautiful child is such a blessing to me. I wish that I could remember more good things from my past, but I guess it's time to stop wishing for something that I can't control and start making the best memories I can so that Jaylee and Jaydon or Julian will always have something good to look back on.
Christy
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Be Patient
I've never been very good at being patient. My mother used to sing a song to me when I was a kid about being patient when I would insistently nag her about what time we were gonna get there, or what we were having for dinner, or how long we were gonna have to wait. I heard the song many, many times as a child. The lyrics are ringing in my head as I am typing...."Be patient, Be patient, Don't get in such a hurry." I hated that stupid song when I was a kid. I just wanted answers and I didn't want to wait.
Apparently I never grew out of that. I am dying to know if we're having a boy or a girl. Everyone says, "You'll know soon enough" or "It goes by so quickly." But they don't know me very well. When I am waiting anxiously on something, nothing goes by very quickly. I have a room to paint and decorate. I have furniture to buy and things to build. I have things I need to get done that I can't get done until we know the sex of the baby. It's driving me crazy.
We went for our 2nd ultrasound today. Christy was only 6 weeks pregnant when we had the first ultrasound so you couldn't see anything but the yolk sack. Only 4 weeks later and our little baby is growing so fast inside of her. You could distinguish it's little facial features and see it's little fingers.
Our next appointment is on April 28th. Our doctor said "if it's a definite boy, we may be able to tell." I'm hoping it's a "definite" boy.
Sarah
Apparently I never grew out of that. I am dying to know if we're having a boy or a girl. Everyone says, "You'll know soon enough" or "It goes by so quickly." But they don't know me very well. When I am waiting anxiously on something, nothing goes by very quickly. I have a room to paint and decorate. I have furniture to buy and things to build. I have things I need to get done that I can't get done until we know the sex of the baby. It's driving me crazy.
We went for our 2nd ultrasound today. Christy was only 6 weeks pregnant when we had the first ultrasound so you couldn't see anything but the yolk sack. Only 4 weeks later and our little baby is growing so fast inside of her. You could distinguish it's little facial features and see it's little fingers.
Sarah
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Bittersweet week
I'm going to warn all of you now that this blog is going to be like a rollercoaster ride. There are going to be ups and downs...I'm going to be extremely overjoyed in some parts and so overcome with sadness in others. Needless to say, this is going to be very emotional.
On Monday, February 28, 2011 at 5:27 p.m., I received a phone call from a blocked number. Normally I wouldn't answer a blocked number, but I knew who it was going to be. See, I had called the police hours earlier to see if an officer could go out and do a welfare check on my dad. The night before I had a conversation with him and that morning my sister did as well. They were very intense conversations...some parts rational, some parts very irrational...which was a common thing in our few and far between communications. Even though these conversations were very much like the ones we had before with him, there was one major difference...these would be our last. My sister and I were concerned for his well being and any others he came into contact with since we knew that his lifelong friend was a bottle and he had recently become acquainted with a pistol that he carried with him everywhere he went...as he drove drunk in his untagged car with no driver's license. So we decided that before he could harm himself or anyone else, we would send an officer out to check on him. It really wasn't a surprise to receive the phone call from Officer Moore. My dad has been an alcoholic my entire life. He was abusive to my mother and was never there for me or my brother or sister. But over the last several years, I have grown to love my dad again and forgive him for the hurt that he caused my family. I expressed that to him many times and told him that if he could just forgive himself, God could do such great things in his life. But he just couldn't do it. He hated himself so much that he felt like the only way out of his miserable life was to put a gun to his head. So that's just what he did.
Now me and my sister are left here to deal with the loss of someone we never really had a relationship with, but still loved very much. It's the worst emotional pain I've ever had to deal with. Monday night was a horrible night. I remember turning off the light that night to try to go to sleep and the room going dark. Immediately I thought of my dad and the darkness he must have felt just moments before he chose to take his own life. He lived such a sad life and it broke my heart to see him that way. As crazy as it may sound, I'm not angry with him. I've always thought that suicide was such a selfish act. You do that and you leave all the people who care about you to deal with what's left over. And I still feel like it's selfish, but I see it a little differently now knowing how much pain my daddy was in. I am extremely sad that he's gone, but I feel so much relief knowing that he is finally at peace. Knowing that he finally loves himself makes my heart feel good.
Two days after experiencing the worst pain I've ever felt, Sarah and I celebrated our 3 year anniversary. It was not only a special day because it was our anniversary, but it was the first time we ever got to hear our baby's heartbeat. In that moment, of hearing that beautiful sound, nothing could take away the happiness I felt. We had quite an interesting experience at the doctor's office that day. As I'm waiting, naked from the waist down, for the doctor to come in and do the ultrasound, the fire alarm goes off. I have to rush to get dressed so Sarah and I can run downstairs with the rest of the people in the building. Luckily there was no fire. The fire department came and checked everything out so we could all go back inside. Great times! After seeing our little peanut for the first time and finding out that he or she would be arriving on October 23, 2011, Sarah took me out for an anniversary lunch at one of our favorite places...Cantina Laredo. Yummy!!! She is the best girlfriend in the whole wide world! I am truly blessed to have her in my life. God has blessed me so abundantly and I am so very grateful for this life I live.
As we headed back to Conway yesterday, I realized how bittersweet this week had become. In one day, I felt the greatest sadness I had ever felt in all of my 34 years knowing that my dad had left this world. And then 2 days later, I felt the greatest happiness knowing that I was about to bring a life into it. I'm mourning the loss of my dad's life while celebrating the life that is growing inside of me.
On Monday, February 28, 2011 at 5:27 p.m., I received a phone call from a blocked number. Normally I wouldn't answer a blocked number, but I knew who it was going to be. See, I had called the police hours earlier to see if an officer could go out and do a welfare check on my dad. The night before I had a conversation with him and that morning my sister did as well. They were very intense conversations...some parts rational, some parts very irrational...which was a common thing in our few and far between communications. Even though these conversations were very much like the ones we had before with him, there was one major difference...these would be our last. My sister and I were concerned for his well being and any others he came into contact with since we knew that his lifelong friend was a bottle and he had recently become acquainted with a pistol that he carried with him everywhere he went...as he drove drunk in his untagged car with no driver's license. So we decided that before he could harm himself or anyone else, we would send an officer out to check on him. It really wasn't a surprise to receive the phone call from Officer Moore. My dad has been an alcoholic my entire life. He was abusive to my mother and was never there for me or my brother or sister. But over the last several years, I have grown to love my dad again and forgive him for the hurt that he caused my family. I expressed that to him many times and told him that if he could just forgive himself, God could do such great things in his life. But he just couldn't do it. He hated himself so much that he felt like the only way out of his miserable life was to put a gun to his head. So that's just what he did.
Now me and my sister are left here to deal with the loss of someone we never really had a relationship with, but still loved very much. It's the worst emotional pain I've ever had to deal with. Monday night was a horrible night. I remember turning off the light that night to try to go to sleep and the room going dark. Immediately I thought of my dad and the darkness he must have felt just moments before he chose to take his own life. He lived such a sad life and it broke my heart to see him that way. As crazy as it may sound, I'm not angry with him. I've always thought that suicide was such a selfish act. You do that and you leave all the people who care about you to deal with what's left over. And I still feel like it's selfish, but I see it a little differently now knowing how much pain my daddy was in. I am extremely sad that he's gone, but I feel so much relief knowing that he is finally at peace. Knowing that he finally loves himself makes my heart feel good.
Two days after experiencing the worst pain I've ever felt, Sarah and I celebrated our 3 year anniversary. It was not only a special day because it was our anniversary, but it was the first time we ever got to hear our baby's heartbeat. In that moment, of hearing that beautiful sound, nothing could take away the happiness I felt. We had quite an interesting experience at the doctor's office that day. As I'm waiting, naked from the waist down, for the doctor to come in and do the ultrasound, the fire alarm goes off. I have to rush to get dressed so Sarah and I can run downstairs with the rest of the people in the building. Luckily there was no fire. The fire department came and checked everything out so we could all go back inside. Great times! After seeing our little peanut for the first time and finding out that he or she would be arriving on October 23, 2011, Sarah took me out for an anniversary lunch at one of our favorite places...Cantina Laredo. Yummy!!! She is the best girlfriend in the whole wide world! I am truly blessed to have her in my life. God has blessed me so abundantly and I am so very grateful for this life I live.
As we headed back to Conway yesterday, I realized how bittersweet this week had become. In one day, I felt the greatest sadness I had ever felt in all of my 34 years knowing that my dad had left this world. And then 2 days later, I felt the greatest happiness knowing that I was about to bring a life into it. I'm mourning the loss of my dad's life while celebrating the life that is growing inside of me.
Monday, February 14, 2011
New addition
Notice the title is New Addition, not New Edition...I won't be putting this to music even though Mr. Telephone Man was a great song back in the day. Makes me want to break out the record player now...but I digress... :-)
Sarah and I found out some much anticipated news on Saturday...we will have a new addition to our family in about 9 months! Some of you who've known me since way back when...since the Mr. Telephone Man era are probably sitting there staring at the screen in complete shock. Some of you may not know a single thing about this whole process and are probably thinking "how in the world are two women going to have a baby together...isn't that physically impossible???" Well things have changed since New Edition and a lot more is possible these days. And I am thankful for that every day!
Sarah and I have been trying to get pregnant since October of 2009. We have run a hundred searches on California Cryobank trying to find the perfect donor. We finally picked our donor and prepared for Insemination 101. Our first experience was not such a great one...as we thought we would save a little money by trying to do it at home. Well at $685 a pop plus $175 for shipping for a small little vial of baby daddy, home insemination is not the smartest decision we've ever made. But at least we have the funny memories to tell. Sarah's description of that one is much more interesting than mine since she had to do all the hard work. :-)
Since our "do it yourself" method didn't work out so well, we decided the next time we would use a medically trained professional in the field of fertility. But the second time didn't go quite as planned either. The donor we had chosen was apparently a very popular gentleman and by the time we decided to order another vial, the cryobank didn't have any left and he had retired from the system...which meant they weren't going to be getting anymore from him. So we found another donor and started this process again. Turns out this ovulation thing is tricky. Unfortunately, our very important shipment didn't arrive in time for us to inseminate in March of 2010. So he got to spend a long, cold month in the freezer at Arkansas Fertility Clinic awaiting my next ovulation. We tried again in April, but were still unsuccessful.
As the old saying goes - third time's a charm. It took us 9 long months to save up enough money to try this again. I guess the Lord was preparing us for the next 9 months of our lives because on January 29th, we inseminated for the 3rd time. On Saturday, February 12th, we found out it would be the last time we would have to do this. After I took the test, I was waiting for one of the lines to get darker than the other because that's how the ovulation results work. Sarah had to tell me I was pregnant. :-) We were both overwhelmed with joy and excitement!!!
It's official...I went to the doctor today - February 14, 2011 - Valentine's Day! This is becoming my favorite holiday! Great things always happen to me on this day. Sarah sent me flowers for the first time on Valentine's Day 3 years ago. And now we are having a baby together. God blessed me by putting Sarah and Jaylee in my life and surrounding us with great family and wonderful friends! And now He finds us both worthy enough to give us another beautiful gift...another child.
Christy
Sarah and I found out some much anticipated news on Saturday...we will have a new addition to our family in about 9 months! Some of you who've known me since way back when...since the Mr. Telephone Man era are probably sitting there staring at the screen in complete shock. Some of you may not know a single thing about this whole process and are probably thinking "how in the world are two women going to have a baby together...isn't that physically impossible???" Well things have changed since New Edition and a lot more is possible these days. And I am thankful for that every day!
Sarah and I have been trying to get pregnant since October of 2009. We have run a hundred searches on California Cryobank trying to find the perfect donor. We finally picked our donor and prepared for Insemination 101. Our first experience was not such a great one...as we thought we would save a little money by trying to do it at home. Well at $685 a pop plus $175 for shipping for a small little vial of baby daddy, home insemination is not the smartest decision we've ever made. But at least we have the funny memories to tell. Sarah's description of that one is much more interesting than mine since she had to do all the hard work. :-)
Since our "do it yourself" method didn't work out so well, we decided the next time we would use a medically trained professional in the field of fertility. But the second time didn't go quite as planned either. The donor we had chosen was apparently a very popular gentleman and by the time we decided to order another vial, the cryobank didn't have any left and he had retired from the system...which meant they weren't going to be getting anymore from him. So we found another donor and started this process again. Turns out this ovulation thing is tricky. Unfortunately, our very important shipment didn't arrive in time for us to inseminate in March of 2010. So he got to spend a long, cold month in the freezer at Arkansas Fertility Clinic awaiting my next ovulation. We tried again in April, but were still unsuccessful.
As the old saying goes - third time's a charm. It took us 9 long months to save up enough money to try this again. I guess the Lord was preparing us for the next 9 months of our lives because on January 29th, we inseminated for the 3rd time. On Saturday, February 12th, we found out it would be the last time we would have to do this. After I took the test, I was waiting for one of the lines to get darker than the other because that's how the ovulation results work. Sarah had to tell me I was pregnant. :-) We were both overwhelmed with joy and excitement!!!
It's official...I went to the doctor today - February 14, 2011 - Valentine's Day! This is becoming my favorite holiday! Great things always happen to me on this day. Sarah sent me flowers for the first time on Valentine's Day 3 years ago. And now we are having a baby together. God blessed me by putting Sarah and Jaylee in my life and surrounding us with great family and wonderful friends! And now He finds us both worthy enough to give us another beautiful gift...another child.
Christy
Let the journey begin...
Our journey actually began several years ago, but now we are embarking on a brand new journey together. On January 29th, I was woken up by a very panicked woman. Christy was ovulating, which is something we've been tracking for two years. I had only been asleep for a couple of hours so I was quite taken aback by her excitement. I jumped out of bed and we headed to Arkansas Fertility Clinic so that Christy could be inseminated...for the third time. But this time was different.
We attempted the first insemination at home. Disclaimer: Don't Try This At Home. We had been tracking her ovulation for several months. I read all the articles and did all the research. I thought I was prepared (my first mistake). After selecting the right donor, we ordered the sperm and had it shipped to the house when we knew she would be ovulating. A vial containing 0.5cc of sperm arrived in a 22 pound tank of dry ice. On insemination day, I felt like a mad scientist. I had to wear gloves and goggles just to remove the vial from the tank. As I opened the tank, the dry ice caused smoked to come billowing out of the tank. I had to run to the kitchen with a little bitty vial of sperm in my hand to give it a 10 minute 98 degree water bath. I will spare you the rest of the details but let’s just say that it only got worse from there. There were so many opportunities for human error and I'm pretty sure I made every one of them.
We decided it would be best to leave the science up to the doctors. We found a great doctor at Arkansas Fertility Clinic and began to prepare for insemination number two, which also proved to be more of a challenge than expected. There were blood tests, ultrasounds, and many doctors’ appointments. The vial didn't arrive according to schedule, which caused a lot of stress for both of us. Christy was online every five minutes trying to track the package. We were worried that she would ovulate before the vial arrived...which she did. We had to wait another month to inseminate. Once everything was in place and we were ready for insemination, it was quite impossible for either of us to relax. For some reason, it just didn’t go as planned. Obviously, God knew it just wasn’t the right time.
We waited almost nine months before we decided it was time to try again. This is a fairly expensive process and quite honestly we needed time to save money for another insemination. I was also in the process of getting a new job and we wanted to wait for things to settle down a bit before we tried again. We have several close people around us that love us and support us (in more ways than one). Everything seemed to be falling into place perfectly, which brings us back to January 29th.
When we arrived at the clinic, both Christy and I had a very good feeling about this insemination. The stresses that were there before were completely eliminated. There was a peace over both of us and we entered the clinic very optimistically. The insemination wasn’t any different from the last one, scientifically speaking, but it was quite different spiritually.
I began asking Christy to take a pregnancy test about a week later, which is obviously too early but I have an issue with anticipation. I finally convinced Christy to take a test Saturday the 12th, two days before schedule. The instructions tell you to wait three minutes before reading the results, but you could see the double lines almost immediately. Christy had to reread the instructions before she would believe the results. The emotions that we experienced in that moment are indescribable.
So this begins our journey; or at least our current journey together. We are extremely excited and look forward to keeping you all posted so that you can travel through this journey with us.
Sarah
We attempted the first insemination at home. Disclaimer: Don't Try This At Home. We had been tracking her ovulation for several months. I read all the articles and did all the research. I thought I was prepared (my first mistake). After selecting the right donor, we ordered the sperm and had it shipped to the house when we knew she would be ovulating. A vial containing 0.5cc of sperm arrived in a 22 pound tank of dry ice. On insemination day, I felt like a mad scientist. I had to wear gloves and goggles just to remove the vial from the tank. As I opened the tank, the dry ice caused smoked to come billowing out of the tank. I had to run to the kitchen with a little bitty vial of sperm in my hand to give it a 10 minute 98 degree water bath. I will spare you the rest of the details but let’s just say that it only got worse from there. There were so many opportunities for human error and I'm pretty sure I made every one of them.
We decided it would be best to leave the science up to the doctors. We found a great doctor at Arkansas Fertility Clinic and began to prepare for insemination number two, which also proved to be more of a challenge than expected. There were blood tests, ultrasounds, and many doctors’ appointments. The vial didn't arrive according to schedule, which caused a lot of stress for both of us. Christy was online every five minutes trying to track the package. We were worried that she would ovulate before the vial arrived...which she did. We had to wait another month to inseminate. Once everything was in place and we were ready for insemination, it was quite impossible for either of us to relax. For some reason, it just didn’t go as planned. Obviously, God knew it just wasn’t the right time.
We waited almost nine months before we decided it was time to try again. This is a fairly expensive process and quite honestly we needed time to save money for another insemination. I was also in the process of getting a new job and we wanted to wait for things to settle down a bit before we tried again. We have several close people around us that love us and support us (in more ways than one). Everything seemed to be falling into place perfectly, which brings us back to January 29th.
When we arrived at the clinic, both Christy and I had a very good feeling about this insemination. The stresses that were there before were completely eliminated. There was a peace over both of us and we entered the clinic very optimistically. The insemination wasn’t any different from the last one, scientifically speaking, but it was quite different spiritually.
I began asking Christy to take a pregnancy test about a week later, which is obviously too early but I have an issue with anticipation. I finally convinced Christy to take a test Saturday the 12th, two days before schedule. The instructions tell you to wait three minutes before reading the results, but you could see the double lines almost immediately. Christy had to reread the instructions before she would believe the results. The emotions that we experienced in that moment are indescribable.
So this begins our journey; or at least our current journey together. We are extremely excited and look forward to keeping you all posted so that you can travel through this journey with us.
Sarah
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