Bittersweet week

I'm going to warn all of you now that this blog is going to be like a rollercoaster ride. There are going to be ups and downs...I'm going to be extremely overjoyed in some parts and so overcome with sadness in others. Needless to say, this is going to be very emotional.

On Monday, February 28, 2011 at 5:27 p.m., I received a phone call from a blocked number. Normally I wouldn't answer a blocked number, but I knew who it was going to be. See, I had called the police hours earlier to see if an officer could go out and do a welfare check on my dad. The night before I had a conversation with him and that morning my sister did as well. They were very intense conversations...some parts rational, some parts very irrational...which was a common thing in our few and far between communications. Even though these conversations were very much like the ones we had before with him, there was one major difference...these would be our last. My sister and I were concerned for his well being and any others he came into contact with since we knew that his lifelong friend was a bottle and he had recently become acquainted with a pistol that he carried with him everywhere he went...as he drove drunk in his untagged car with no driver's license. So we decided that before he could harm himself or anyone else, we would send an officer out to check on him. It really wasn't a surprise to receive the phone call from Officer Moore. My dad has been an alcoholic my entire life. He was abusive to my mother and was never there for me or my brother or sister. But over the last several years, I have grown to love my dad again and forgive him for the hurt that he caused my family. I expressed that to him many times and told him that if he could just forgive himself, God could do such great things in his life. But he just couldn't do it. He hated himself so much that he felt like the only way out of his miserable life was to put a gun to his head. So that's just what he did.

Now me and my sister are left here to deal with the loss of someone we never really had a relationship with, but still loved very much. It's the worst emotional pain I've ever had to deal with. Monday night was a horrible night. I remember turning off the light that night to try to go to sleep and the room going dark. Immediately I thought of my dad and the darkness he must have felt just moments before he chose to take his own life. He lived such a sad life and it broke my heart to see him that way. As crazy as it may sound, I'm not angry with him. I've always thought that suicide was such a selfish act. You do that and you leave all the people who care about you to deal with what's left over. And I still feel like it's selfish, but I see it a little differently now knowing how much pain my daddy was in. I am extremely sad that he's gone, but I feel so much relief knowing that he is finally at peace. Knowing that he finally loves himself makes my heart feel good.

Two days after experiencing the worst pain I've ever felt, Sarah and I celebrated our 3 year anniversary. It was not only a special day because it was our anniversary, but it was the first time we ever got to hear our baby's heartbeat. In that moment, of hearing that beautiful sound, nothing could take away the happiness I felt. We had quite an interesting experience at the doctor's office that day. As I'm waiting, naked from the waist down, for the doctor to come in and do the ultrasound, the fire alarm goes off. I have to rush to get dressed so Sarah and I can run downstairs with the rest of the people in the building. Luckily there was no fire. The fire department came and checked everything out so we could all go back inside. Great times! After seeing our little peanut for the first time and finding out that he or she would be arriving on October 23, 2011, Sarah took me out for an anniversary lunch at one of our favorite places...Cantina Laredo. Yummy!!! She is the best girlfriend in the whole wide world! I am truly blessed to have her in my life. God has blessed me so abundantly and I am so very grateful for this life I live.

As we headed back to Conway yesterday, I realized how bittersweet this week had become. In one day, I felt the greatest sadness I had ever felt in all of my 34 years knowing that my dad had left this world. And then 2 days later, I felt the greatest happiness knowing that I was about to bring a life into it. I'm mourning the loss of my dad's life while celebrating the life that is growing inside of me.